Two Pargraphs to editing and rewrite

Re-write the paragraph to improve its unity by removing any sentences that do not focus on the paragraph’s main topic………………….

Pargraph  1

My family experienced some memorable events during my family’s trip to Disney World last summer. The drive to Disney World from our house took nine hours and was extremely boring. The first really memorable experience was meeting Mickey Mouse. The kids had been waiting for it all summer, and we took lots of pictures of them with Mickey. That evening, we ate at McDonald’s because the food in the park was so expensive. The next morning, we had another memorable experience: visiting the water park. We all had a wonderful time splashing and riding the water slides. We won’t ever forget when Ethan’s swim trunks fell down at the bottom of one of the slides! The most memorable part of the trip was seeing the fireworks at Epcot. We had a truly magical evening sitting together as a family and watching the show light up the sky. It was a little cold that night, so we all made sure to bring sweaters. Overall, our visit to Disney World was a terrific trip with lots of experiences to remember.

Pargraph 2

The following paragraph is not coherent. The ideas do not flow logically from one sentence to the next. Please re-write the paragraph to improve its coherence. You will want to consider adding transitional expressions to the paragraph as you rewrite the paragraph. In addition, you will want to consider the logical order of the sentences as you rewrite the paragraph.

Answer:

My family experienced some memorable events during my family’s trip to Disney World last summer. The first really memorable experience was meeting Mickey Mouse. The kids had been waiting for it all summer, and we took lots of pictures of them with Mickey. That evening, we ate at McDonald’s because the food in the park was so expensive. The next morning, we had another memorable experience: visiting the water park. We all had a wonderful time splashing and riding the water slides. We won’t ever forget when Ethan’s swim trunks fell down at the bottom of one of the slides! The most memorable part of the trip was seeing the fireworks at Epcot. We had a truly magical evening sitting together as a family and watching the show light up the sky. It was a little cold that night, so we all made sure to bring sweaters. Overall, our visit to Disney World was a terrific trip with lots of experiences to remember.
Working as a lifeguard last summer was the best job I have ever had in my life. I met some very interesting people such as Paul, another lifeguard from Somalia and Anna, a swim coach. I learned so much about Paul’s culture while working with him. Anna was the most hilarious person I have ever met. She had great stories to tell about her college days when she was in the swim team. I also had the opportunity to see some free concerts that the pool was sponsoring. One of the bands was quite amazing. I plan to keep in touch with the drummer, who I think has quite a future in Indie music. I also got free food from the snack bar as one of the perks of the job. A free lunch at the snack bar certainly helped me cut costs. The job was great, and I hope to go back next summer and work there again.

 

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